Staying Calm: 7 Ways to Keep Caregiving for Angry, Turbulent Loved Ones

Caregivers do their best to make their loved ones happy, but sometimes their loved ones can react to care with anger or even hostility.

Family caregivers may have little training or support for dealing with patients with challenging behaviours. Likewise, when the angry person is someone you’ve known for years – like a parent or a sibling – it can be difficult to not lash out in return.

Whether the anger is due to a misunderstanding or cognitive decline, such as in Alzheimer’s patients, Susanne White is well-versed in caregiving for someone with a hot temper. Today, she offers seven tips for staying calm when your loved one becomes frustrated and emotionally turbulent.

I grew up with a mum who had a temper. She was quick to anger and could simmer with it for days. I learned to keep the peace, keep my head down and “keep movin’,” as my dad would say.

This instilled two things in me that followed me into adulthood:

1. I would stifle my anger and then explode when it all became too much.
2. I ran for the hills whenever anyone else got angry because it triggered old, scary feelings.

These two traits were never good for me. But when my mum got diagnosed with dementia, and I stepped up to care for her, the anger, fear and guilt were real problems I had to face. 

Your loved ones may display anger and aggressive behaviour as possible signs and symptoms of dementia and Alzheimer’s. This behaviour may have many causes, including physical discomfort, overstimulation (which triggers fear and anxiety), confusion, and cognitive decline. 

Repeatedly facing anger can reopen or trigger trauma

Aggressive behaviour can be tough to deal with, even if you love a person deeply. And if you also harbour childhood trauma around anger and aggression, it creates a genuine dilemma for both you and your loved ones.

I was already worried about caregiving for my mum. But, as she became more disoriented and frightened, her anger intensified. I dreaded her behaviour and episodes of rage. 

It became clear that I had to insulate myself from being re-traumatised. If I was triggered, I needed a quick resolution. I reached out during therapy and to other caregivers. I started to research techniques that could help soften the blow. 

Through trial and error, I came up with a few strategies to help me rediscover how to be a patient caregiver. All take practice, persistence, and perseverance. However, they can be remarkably effective in dealing with rage and turbulent emotions, loved one to caregiver or vice versa.

7 tips for caregivers coping with angry, frustrated loved ones

1. Don't take their anger personally

The people we care for are most likely angry at something that has nothing to do with us. Fear, pain, frustration, physical ailments, and disorientation can all trigger anger. 

My first strategy was to keep myself firmly in the present. Though my mum's anger made me feel like I was six years old again, I kept my sights on what was happening before me. I was safe and able to take care of myself.

Most of the time, my mum’s temper had nothing to do with me or anything I was doing. Reminding yourself that you're not the source of your loved one's anger and distress will leave you better equipped to help them.

Although this is relatively easy to understand in your head, it is hard to feel in your heart. Chanting, "I am safe, and I'm a good person," helped centre me when my mum’s behaviour felt threatening. Accepting that she was angry at life, not me as her daughter or caregiver, made a big difference.

2. Look at the situation empathetically

I remember one of the days I found a new level of empathy for my mum. 

I found her standing at the refrigerator door, pointing to the large appointment calendar I kept for easy reference. Things such as doctor’s appointments were boldly written on with magic markers. 

She turned to me and asked desperately what this was and what it meant. She had a look of such childlike fear and confusion on her face that my heart broke. Something so familiar and mundane was now wholly incomprehensible to her, and understandably, resulted in panic and anger.

This loss of control for someone like my mum was devastating. As a caregiver, here's a helpful reminder: your loved ones need help navigating that anger, panic and confusion because they're struggling to make sense of the world around them.

Empathy made me realise that my mum had probably felt anxious and afraid for much of her life. Her anger was a coping mechanism to control her world and help her feel safe. It wasn’t about me and probably never was. 

This realisation made her anger feel less dangerous. Looking at the situation empathetically when Mum lashed out would help me be more understanding in the future.

3. Don't react to accusations or fits of temper

Choosing not to react to a loved one's anger takes guts, practice, and grit. Being rested, centred, and well-balanced gives us the edge we need to pull this off.

You’ve probably heard that we caregivers need to practise self-care and prioritise our well-being. By refusing to get pulled into an argument, we're protecting ourselves and able to assess the challenge with more logic and empathy.

If we stay calm, we can see that most of this aggressive behaviour is happening near us, not to us. Observing, instead of reacting, prevents us from diving into conflict. The anger is then diffused, not encouraged. We don't have to join every fight that someone baits us into!

4. Listen to your loved one's message behind the emotion

Hear the message, not the actual words. Your loved one’s anger may be hiding an underlying issue. Instead of getting defensive, try to hear the truth behind the agitation or attack. I know it can be difficult!

Is it pain, fear, frustration, or guilt? People are hurting when they strike out. Did something happen or change or feel different? Is our loved one in trouble, needing attention, or wanting to tell us something? Seeing anger as a message or signal reduces its effect on us and can be very informative.

5. Take a break

When all else fails, it may be time to turn around, walk away, and take a break. 

I call this “detaching with love”. Sometimes, it can be the best plan of action. We can see things more clearly when we regroup, reset, and calm down.

Detaching stops us from engaging in the anger dance with someone and gives us a chance to breathe. It breaks the cycle. If it’s not possible to physically leave the area, leave the conversation. A change of subject is always an excellent way get things to simmer down. 

6. Accept flare-ups and remain gentle

Whatever we do, we must find a way to be soft and gentle - both to those we love and ourselves. Flare-ups of temper are always going to happen, and they happen to all of us. Each time, we work at getting through the storm faster and with less damage.

We caregivers are doing the best we can. We might learn something about our loved ones and ourselves with kindness, compassion, and balance. We can improve our relationship and avoid more angry outbursts in the future.

7. Let your loved one feel heard, especially if you’re feeling defensive  

Ask yourself these questions:

“How important is this argument?”

“Would I rather be ‘right’ or happy?” 

“When my loved one is no longer with me, do I want to remember this fight? Or that I handled their pain with kindness and love?” 

By allowing our loved ones to be heard and accepted, we can help them work through their feelings while managing our own. As I got better at managing my anger and shrugging off my mum's mood swings, she became angry less often. When Mum did get mad, I used her aggression to help me decipher the underlying issue. Her anger lost its strong effect on me.

It still shook me up a bit, but I didn't hold on to the discomfort as long as I used to, and I wasn't as frightened of it or her. It became more of a mood that I could shift and lighten with patience and compassion. I learned to make us both feel safer, which was a blessing.

Know that you are not alone in struggling with a loved one's frustration and anger. Try one or all of these strategies; I promise things will improve between you. I wish you joy and serenity.

---

© 2023 Life Effects by Teva Pharmaceuticals

The individual(s) who have written and created the content in and whose images appear in this article have been paid by Teva Pharmaceuticals for their contributions. This content represents the opinions of the contributor and does not necessarily reflect those of Teva Pharmaceuticals. Similarly, Teva Pharmaceuticals does not review, control, influence or endorse any content related to the contributor's websites or social media networks. This content is intended for informational and educational purposes and should not be considered medical advice or recommendations. Consult a qualified medical professional for diagnosis and before beginning or changing any treatment regimen. 

This site is intended for UK and Ireland residents only.

Date of preparation: September 2023
D: COB-GB-NP-00297 (V1.0) / T: COB-GB-NP-00282 (V1.0) / M: COB-GB-NP-00267 (V1.0)