Caregiving Doesn’t Stop When Chemo Does

Being on the outside as a loved one goes through cancer can be extremely difficult. Perhaps even more so once the chemo is over.

The guidelines for how to provide support during active treatment are relatively clear. What about when treatment ends?

Many people think the end of treatment is the finish line. But it can actually be the beginning of depression, anxiety, and emotional and physical distress.

The collateral damage of the diagnosis continues. At the same time, messages and support begin to die off, which can often leave the patient feeling alone and forgotten.

Chemotherapy isn’t the end of the journey

My husband was my rock during breast cancer treatment. He is a doer and always prepared. He came to every appointment, took notes, managed my meds, and nursed me back to health.

A cloud of fear descended on me as I neared the end of chemotherapy. I was used to regular appointments, checkpoints, and monitoring. Ultimately, the fear of the unknown paralysed me.

I felt very isolated and alone in my fear and sadness, but my friends and family assumed I was fine. They expected life to go back to “normal.”

But everything had changed. Cancer didn’t just disappear overnight. It loomed above me, threatening to return anytime.

Shouldn’t I just be glad that I was alive and had finished treatment? I wanted this to be true. But the depression worsened. It was fueled by my fear, guilt, and sadness.

My husband had been actively involved in every step of my treatment up to that point. He saw me begin to withdraw and wasn’t sure how to help.

I struggled to connect with the people around me. The fear of recurrence consumed my every waking thought, and so did the worries about building a life after cancer.

Asking for help

This wasn’t the first time I’d experienced depression. In fact, that helped me to recognise my downward spiral. I realised it was time to ask for help.

I first turned to my husband. Our relationship had a strong foundation of open communication. I knew that the only thing holding me back from getting help was my own resistance.

The very first step was sharing my true feelings with him. It was scary to let someone in and admit how the fear had consumed me, yet sharing also freed me.

I no longer felt alone in my feeling sad and helpless.

Seeing a therapist

My husband and I decided that I needed professional help. The depression had begun to impact my ability to complete daily tasks, and I was not sleeping.

Seeing a therapist who specialised in cancer survivors was the first step in my recovery. Therapy combined with medication helped me to begin my slow mental recovery.

Re-connecting with my husband

It was now time to work on my relationship with my husband. I owed it to him, and I made it my job to help him find new ways to be supportive.

We decided to approach support from a new mindset. I didn’t need him to take the same practical actions the way he did during treatment.

Now I needed emotional support. We had to relearn how to communicate with one another, navigate life after my treatment, and see how we could continue to meet each other’s needs.

This idea meant I needed to reflect on what actions could provide me with the emotional support I required. It took me a while.

I eventually brainstormed a list of things I believed would make me feel emotionally supported. Some of the things that helped me were:

• Asking, “how is your heart feeling today?” to get right to the point
• Giving me hugs and kisses
• Snuggling with me on the couch without “doing” anything
• Making dinner for me
• Holding me while I cried
• Asking me about my day
• Offering to just listen instead of “solving”